If Carrie and her Manhattan buddies are to be believed, all it takes is the right kind of man and the right style of Manolo to send female sexual desire skyrocketing.

Well, welcome to the real world, where menstrual cramps, maternity, migraines and menopause are part of the script. In other words, most of our lives comprise full-time families and jobs, mortgages, and relationships that struggle, leaving us both sleep- and sex-deprived.

Low desire is reportedly most often a female complaint and is by far the most reported female complaint in offices of those of us who are privileged to work in the field of couple sex therapy. Healthy minds and healthy bodies support good sex. Mutual, long-term committed relationships are the stuff that great sex is made of.

Care and feeding of the healthy vagina.
Read, ask questions and take responsibility for your own sexual well-being. Understand that we are wonderfully made and that female sexual disturbance can occur at any stage of the sexual response continuum of desire, arousal, orgasm and satisfaction.

Get thee to a good medical practitioner.
Don't settle for a drive-by consultation. Make a list and try to book at least 15 minutes to discuss your concerns about low desire, pain or bleeding during intercourse or vaginal discomfort of any kind.

Tell someone who cares!
If your doctor isn't up for the challenge, get a referral to someone who is trained to deal with sexual issues. Sexual functioning is an important part of being healthy, happy and human.

On my terms!
Free and freeing sex is about choice and willingness to relax and release. Intimate coercion is a major cause of inhibited sexual desire. Guilt, embarrassment and shame challenge competency, warmth and mutual nurturing. Negative feelings and a partner's resentment further inhibit desire

Obligation vs. choice.
If you are giving sex to get love, your currency is being devalued. Know that you are worthy of love and worthy to enjoy lovemaking as part of a mutual loving relationship. Choose to negotiate something better or choose better next time.

Page 1 of 2 – Discover how taking care of your mind can help your libido on page 2.

Place your order.
No one but you can give you an orgasm (sorry to deflate all those Lotharios out there)! It's your right and your responsibility to know your body and what gives it pleasure. Take charge of this important way of caring for yourself.

A broken heart is a tough sell.
Still recovering from a partner's affair or another relationship injury? You won't be up for sex until the wrong is righted. Heal the heart and the body will respond.

Step away from the deadbeat!
Domestic abuse or lack of safety and trust kills the libido faster than a cold shower.

Please don't hate me 'cause I'm average.
Low self-esteem or negative body image are often untrue, internal assessments that have nothing to do with reality, but lots to do with feeling sexy and being sexual. Grow up and love that person you are.

It's all in the timing.
Fear of pregnancy, hormonal shifts and physical symptoms of aging can impact desire. Enjoy and tend to your femaleness at every age!

To thine own self be true.
Talk with a trusted friend or counsellor if you're just not into guys. Sexual orientation questions deserve respectful consideration and conversation.

Give me a T!
Low testosterone levels can cause low desire for both men and women. A simple blood test can provide you with direction on a possible course of treatment.

One pill makes you…
Birth control pills and common antidepressants are among the medications that can negatively impact a woman's sexual desire. On the other hand, your doctor may suggest a course of Viagra to stimulate your joy juice.

Sex is a contact sport.
Bodies that are numbed by the excessive and/or cumulative use of alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, marijuana and street drugs aren't up for the rigours of an active sex life. Choose health!

Sex is a team sport.
Give yourself some credit. You chose well (or will next time) and have a partner that you want to enjoy for the rest of your days. Be creative and collaborative. Experiment, without pain, to find your own turn-ons and relax and celebrate the sexual people you were created to be.

Cuddle time…
Serious illness and invasive medical treatments (dialysis, chemotherapy) can traumatize both the body and the spirit. On your direction, invite your partner to make love with you through kind words, gestures and gentle touch. Both your heart and your healing will be impacted.

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Dr. Marion Goertz is a registered marriage and family therapist and a clinical member of both the American and Ontario associations for marriage and family therapy (AAMFT/OAMFT). Marion maintains a private marriage and family therapy practice in Toronto. mariongoertz.com

 

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