How to create a relationship with your money based on respect and boundaries. 

Money is never about money. If it was just about the dollars and cents, budgeting would be easy—spend less than you make. But money is about so many other things—your history, values, beliefs, goals, and even your triggers. This makes it a relationship, so ask yourself: How is my relationship with my money? Is it based on fear? Control? Love? Respect? Here are some questions you can ask yourself to explore and create the connection you want with the dough you make.

Your money history: Consider for a moment how you were raised with money. Was there a sense of abun­dance or scarcity in your household? Was money a stressful topic, laced with shame and defensiveness, or was it viewed more positively? Or was it even discussed in your home? These early lessons shape how we view and feel about money in our lives. If money created stress, fear, anxiety, fights or shame, this could inform how you approach money as an adult. The good news is that as an adult, you can reinterpret your money history through a compassionate lens for you and your family. Most people are doing the very best they can with the resources they have. 

Your money values: Think about what money means to you. Does it give you a sense of freedom, security, adventure, comfort, charity, or some­thing else? Consider how you feel when you have money and when you don’t. Money values tell you what is important to you. When you honour your money values, you are aligning your values to your words and deeds. It feels good when these are balanced and the opposite is true, too: It feels out of sync and uncomfortable when we act against our money values. One quick way to see if you are in alignment when you have a financial decision to make is to ask yourself: Does this decision increase or decrease my sense of [insert value here]? For example: Does buying a new car increase or decrease my sense of security? The only right answer is the one that aligns with your values.

Your money beliefs: Reflect on what you believe about money and then go a little deeper. Some easy questions to start can include: Is money good or bad? Does money come easily to you, or do you have to struggle? These are our financial beliefs, and they shape how we behave with money. Unlike your money history, which can’t change, your money beliefs can shift and evolve over time and experi­ence. Now ask yourself: In what ways are my money beliefs serving me? In what ways are my money beliefs no longer serving me? What needs to shift within my money beliefs to have a respectful relation­ship with money? What can stay the same or expand?

Your goals: Imagine what you want from your money. The COVID-19 pandemic taught us about the importance of a rainy day fund, but we should also plan for our futures while creating joy. Setting a financial goal aligned with your values is an excellent way to form a respectful relationship with your money.

Your triggers: These are your financial pain points or stressors, and we all have them. When you feel triggered about something finan­cially, ask yourself if your values are out of alignment, or if one of your beliefs is being questioned, or are you off-track with your goals. While triggers may feel scary, they are an opportunity to dig deeper to find out what is creating the pain. If a value is out of alignment, what can you do to restore it? If a belief is being questioned, that’s okay. Can the belief be modified a little to accom­modate your new reality? And, if a goal is off-track, what can you do to bring it back on track? All these questions show your inner money voice the respect it deserves. You’re treating your money with care and consideration, and that’s what Aretha Franklin, the Queen of Soul, calls RESPECT. 

►  Stacy Yanchuk Oleksy is director of education and community awareness at the Credit Counselling Society.