Starting a new relationship can bring up some deep-seated fears and insecurities—this is normal. If love is in the air, explore your fears with gentle curiosity and create the life you want with your new partner.

September is the time for fresh starts: The summer holidays are over and everyone is back to school and work. Perhaps you’re in a burgeoning relationship and it’s your second time around. There’s hope, excitement, a renewed sense of life and purpose! And likely, hiding around the corner, are your worries, fears, insecurities and financial triggers. You may be worried that this relationship will end up like the others or that you’ll make the same financial mistakes and per­haps lose your identity in the process. Fear not! Here are a few ways to create a better relationship with money in your new romance.

First things first: Let’s connect with fears and insecurities. Those little voices in your head are perfectly normal—they’re there to protect you. Grab your laptop or a piece of paper and list everything that could go wrong, from a financial perspective, in your new relationship. This may feel a little uncomfortable but stick with it, because under each of those “issues” is a need or value. For example, if you tend to get bossy, controlling and tight with money, lying underneath may be an unmet need for safety and security. When you feel safe and secure, you don’t feel as controlling or wound up because your needs are being met—your value of safety is being satisfied. Another example? Maybe you concealed some of your spending from your last partner. Perhaps you weren’t honest about your needs, and you chose to hide instead, or maybe you were embar­rassed or ashamed. The unmet value here is authenticity. But guess what? In your new relation­ship, you get to tell the truth.

Once you can identify your financial values and needs, have a conversation with your new partner. For both of you, it’s important to have a clear sense of what’s going on inside. Self-awareness shifts the conversation from “you must,” “you need to” or “you should,” to “here is my experience in this situation;” “the story in my head is this;” or “what I need is….” The difference is monumental—it moves the tone from blame to curious conversation. By going through this process, you’re working to create the financial relationship you want.

Consider starting the money conversation with a look back at both of your financial histories. Not bank statements necessarily, but a look at how each of you was raised with money. What was your experience with money growing up? How was money handled in the household? This can give each of you insight into what’s under the surface, because money is never just about money, it’s also—always—about how you feel about it.

Talk with your new partner about how money was handled in previous relationships. What worked and didn’t work? What does each of you want going forward?

If there are children involved, it’s crucial that you have a conver­sation about who will be financially responsible for any child-related expenses and costs. This talk may have to include other co-parents. If your children are adults, it’s still important to have the money dis­cussion centring around what steps to take should something happen to you or your partner. While these exchanges can be difficult and feel a bit morbid, they can also save your loved ones significant stress and money by making things crystal clear for all parties involved. Remember, clarity is kindness.

Find ways to create financial joy together. Plan a shared goal or pick a charity that aligns with your shared values and contribute together.

► STACY YANCHUK OLEKSY IS CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER AT CREDIT COUNSELLING CANADA.