Having difficult, but necessary, conversations with your siblings seems to come with the territory as we age and mature, but navigating the minefield successfully can be done.

It’s likely been decades since you and your siblings experienced those universal issues most brothers and sisters face—wrestling over the remote, bickering over time in the bathroom, arguing over sitting shotgun. And if you’ve managed to overcome petty sibling rivalries and maintain a respectful relationship in adulthood, good on you— not only have you undoubtedly made Mom and Dad proud, you’ve also pretty much guaranteed social and emotional support during life’s stressful times. “Sibling relationships can teach us a lot about understanding, compassion, negotiation, conflict resolution, communication and emotion regulation, and can benefit how we relate to others we have relationships with,” says Katrina Shaw, a registered psychologist in Calgary.

That said, we don’t get to choose our siblings—we get stuck with them. And if you’ve never felt close, you’ve drifted apart or you haven’t mastered speaking to each other as grown-ups who aren’t vying for your parents’ attention, consider this a gentle nudge to make headway. A 2016 study published in the Journal of Family Communication found that openness is at the top of the list when it comes to staying close with brothers and sisters, as is the ability to contribute equally and share tasks. The thing is, siblings will eventually have to broach super-tough— and super-common—topics, and it will be easier to work together if you can connect and communicate, says Shaw. Here’s how to do it.

Illustration Courtesy of Shutterstock

“WHAT SHOULD WE DO ABOUT DAD’S DEMENTIA?”

When emotions are high and opinions differ, figuring out what to do about a parent’s health and well-being can be an arduous task. Stacy* says dealing with her younger sister about how to care for their ailing father was contentious, to put it politely. “It wasn’t safe for him to live on his own anymore and my sister and I weren’t even remotely on the same page about what he needed, where he should go and how much everything was going to cost,” she says, adding their distance from each other was also a serious bone of contention. “Disproportionate responsibility in parental care is a common problem,” Shaw says. “Siblings physically farther away may get off the hook in caring for their parents, or one sibling may earn more money than the others and be expected to pay more for their parents’ care.”

How to bring it up:

Have a frank discussion and suggest dividing responsibilities based on the strengths of each sibling—you take charge of finding Dad an assisted-living residence and your sister oversees getting his home ready to list, for example. Then arrange regular family meetings (in person or via FaceTime) to “keep everyone in the loop and address challenges when they come up,” Shaw says. “Work together to make decisions in the best interest of your parent. If possible, include the aging parent to offer feedback on what he or she needs and wants.” If there’s still debate that’s causing drama during an already difficult time, consider seeking expert advice. “Rational and cooperative conversations are not always possible with some families, and at times, inviting a third party in to mediate family discussions may be necessary.”

“I WANT MOM’S SAPPHIRE RING.”

Sentimental clans, take note—the division of heirlooms will likely cause friction, especially if family treasures are suddenly up for grabs. When Kim* and her sisters cleaned out their mother’s home after she passed away, it was basically a free-for-all. “There were items I wanted that meant a lot to me—some of my mom’s jewellery, figurines she collected. I feel like my sisters hoarded things that were special to me.”

How to bring it up:

Approach your siblings in an open dialogue to prevent them from getting defensive, advises Shaw. “If you invite them to share the things that are most important or sentimental to them, you can communicate what’s important to you. You may realize that what’s sentimental to you may not have the same meaning for siblings, and they would be happy to give an item up as long as they get the heirloom they’re most passionate about.”

Hint: If a parent has recently passed, it’s best to wait a few months before splitting up possessions to avoid stress and conflict when everyone’s grieving, says Shaw.

“I’M UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND YOUR HUSBAND.”

So there’s really no way to put this delicately, unfortunately. “It makes sense that this would take a toll on the relationship because your sibling probably feels caught in the middle between two people he or she really loves,” Shaw says, adding you should ask yourself why you’re uncomfortable around your brother-in-law and whether or not you can shift your thinking about him. “If your issues are out of concern for your sibling’s well-being or safety, you may need to have a loving and frank conversation, acknowledging that you know this isn’t an easy talk to have,” she says.

How to bring it up:

If he just rubs you the wrong way, Shaw says it's best to learn to let go and “find ways you're able to tolerate being around this person.” Try to avoid getting into conversations on hot-button topics if you have different belief systems, and be choosy about when and what you do with the two of them. If your feelings are known and you want to make peace, “take responsibility for your actions and emotions and communicate your willingness to make an effort with the spouse because you want to be supportive of their relationship.” Just don’t say it if you don’t mean it—the two of you might need to talk it out, then take time to work on whatever harm has been done.

*Names have been changed to protect sibling relationships on the mend.