My two-year-old miniature pinscher Bebop is my world. He's like a firstborn child to me, except I don't have to change his diapers or listen to him scream (instead, I pick up his poop with a plastic bag and let him boss me around like he's king). I often imagine that he can talk to me ("Hey, mom! I just let a ripe one go" or "I really like our snuggles. Don't go to work!"). I've also been known to write short stories from his perspective. Here, little Bebop writes a love letter to his bone... or, as we'll soon find out, the bone he's cheating with: Dearest Bone, I've got my spot all set up: sun, blankies, window nearby so I can keep an eye on prowlers. I've laid everything out just right so we can have a little me-and-you time. Let that noisy, freezing world melt away, baby, and come into my paws. My paw pads like the way you feel, baby. So smooth, but with a little roughness so I can grip you right. That black-and-white brute—that blundering pitbull—doesn't love you like I do. He may have been given you first, but it's clear that he takes you for granted. If he loved you, he wouldn't have left you lying on the floor, helpless and alone. Aren't you glad I picked you up off the cold carpet and brought you to my cozy blankie where it's nice and warm? I've got stamina, baby, and I'm gonna chew on you all day and night long (even if my mom tells me to pipe down!). I won't let you go. Not now, not ever. Yours lickingly, B Above: A face-off between Bebop and Abl, the cuckholded pitbull. Love dogs as much as I do? Read about Canada's 10 most popular dog breeds and the 5 best breeds for small homes. Photos by Tracy Peters