With the wisdom of having a 6 and 9 year old, I can now confidently conclude that absolutely everything I do as a parent is or will be wrong. Seriously. And there will be studies to back it. From reliable places like Mozambique, Laos and Scandinavia. Every day a new one comes out proving what I did yesterday was wrong. From car seats to disciplinary methods, even the order of introducing baby’s first foods has changed. My sister-in-law has 3 boys and when she had her first, there were studies saying all babies must sleep on their stomachs. For her second, it was their sides. Needless to say, for the third it was their backs. Sometimes I think it’s a gimmick the baby stores come up with to sell more crib wedges, sleep positioners, slings, and various other “sanity savers”. (Personally, I was always waiting for the baby Hannibal Lecter mask for
“complete protection”…) Regardless, it’s safe to say all of our children will end up in therapy blaming us for their ailments and woes, whether it was failing to have the right Beyblade, I mean Xbox, I mean duckbilled platypus, or *gasp* braiding their hair the wrong way. My friend Felicia’s come up with her own solution for absolving her mommy guilt and providing guidance through the tough times. No, it’s not alcohol, or her mother (who, frankly, does drive her to drink), but a true stroke of genius: the Magic 8 Ball.
Don’t mock it. It’s been consistent and study-proof since the 1950’s. For example: Will my child blat today?
Signs point to yes. Will I sleep tonight?
Reply hazy, try again. Will I kill my husband for leaving socks in the bed again? W
ithout a doubt. See? Genius. I’m off now to put the kids to bed and read them the latest chapter of
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Will a study come out suggesting that reading Harry Potter is traumatizing for children? The Magic 8 Ball says:
it is decidedly so....
With the wisdom of having a 6 and 9 year old, I can now confidently conclude that absolutely everything I do as a parent is or will be wrong. Seriously. And there will be studies to back it. From reliable places like Mozambique, Laos and Scandinavia. Every day a new one comes out proving what I did yesterday was wrong. From car seats to disciplinary methods, even the order of introducing baby’s first foods has changed. My sister-in-law has 3 boys and when she had her first, there were studies saying all babies must sleep on their stomachs. For her second, it was their sides. Needless to say, for the third it was their backs. Sometimes I think it’s a gimmick the baby stores come up with to sell more crib wedges, sleep positioners, slings, and various other “sanity savers”. (Personally, I was always waiting for the baby Hannibal Lecter mask for
“complete protection”…) Regardless, it’s safe to say all of our children will end up in therapy blaming us for their ailments and woes, whether it was failing to have the right Beyblade, I mean Xbox, I mean duckbilled platypus, or *gasp* braiding their hair the wrong way. My friend Felicia’s come up with her own solution for absolving her mommy guilt and providing guidance through the tough times. No, it’s not alcohol, or her mother (who, frankly, does drive her to drink), but a true stroke of genius: the Magic 8 Ball.
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