Or, the 8 most annoying things that happen when I try to eat. [caption id="attachment_1703" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Instead of in my mouth, this burger would be down my shirt and on my lap in record time. "] [/caption] 1. A lock of hair gets pulled into my mouth as I take a bite of something. This happened the other day. How? I can't explain. It's so annoying, it ruins the whole bite of whatever it is I'm trying to eat. 2. Sandwich juice runs down to my elbow before I notice. This also goes for wraps, burgers, fajitas, tacos, and maybe a calzone if I'm alone and nobody is looking to see if I'm using a knife and fork. Even worse: the juice traps itself under a bracelet or watch band, floating unnoticed until many hours later... 3. Flecks of food shoot themselves down "the wrong tube" and I cough forever. Does this ever happen when I'm alone at home? NEVER! Does this happen around people I know well and am comfortable around? NEVER! A business lunch or formal dinner is exactly when bits of food get sucked down my windpipe. 4. Phyllo pastry bits shoot out of my mouth at cocktail receptions. Fancy cocktail receptions often involve delicate hors d'oeuvres made from phyllo pastry. Every time I think, "surely just one of these delicious bites floating past won't end in disaster?" No. Disaster always happens. Soon after my first bite, I am trying to carry on a polite conversation with strangers without spitting phyllo on their shirts with every consonant. Phyllo is social suicide. 5. Corn silk hangs from every crevice of my teeth. By my 10th summer cob of corn, I can control myself. But those first few - oh! I mash my face into that corn and chow down like I've never eaten before. But when I surface for air, I am a sea monster with corn silk hanging from my jaws. By this time, butter has also likely left a grease-trail down to my elbows. 6. Water pours out the side of the glass, away from my mouth. Every so often, a hole in my mouth appears out of nowhere. Water heading straight for my throat somehow ends up on my shirt, the table, or dribbling down the side of my face. I can't explain it, beyond that tiny wormholes through the space-time continuum randomly appear just as I take a sip of water. 7. Sometimes, wasabi looks like guacamole. OK, only once in my life did wasabi look like guacamole. Fool me twice, bowl of nacho chips placed beside a sizable dish of wasabi, then shame on me. I should have listened to the shrieks in the room before I put that fully-loaded chip into my mouth. 8. Things explode out the back end when you take a bite from the front end. Splat. The alleged hand-held and contained meal is not my friend. Especially while driving. How does food make an April Fool out of you?